Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I think I might be crazy.

All things considered, I think everything's been going well. I feel like I can't say that Bo's any better, like it would be jinxing something, but he's laughing more, and he's playing more with Oliver. It's so hard to know anything for sure though, especially when he admits that he "fakes it" at home to try and make our lives easier. Why is this man of mine so good.

There are still the difficult moments, the off hand comments about wanting to end things, and there's still constant exhaustion from trying so hard to do everything. It's not easy for me to keep the house clean and the laundry up to date, and dinner on the table, but for the most part I'm doing it and Oliver's no worse for ware, the most important thing.

Here's the crazy part, at least why I'm crazy. Before everything came to light we'd planned on starting trying for a second baby when I went back to work, or shortly after. The plan was that I'd be back to work for a year, then I'd be off for good, being a stay at home mom like I've dreamed of. But then Bo came out with his depression, and my head spun, and everything was put on hold indefinitely (truthfully, and selfishly, breaking my heart a little bit, every day at work kills me).

Bo's been on medication for about two months now, and the increased dosage for one of them, and we're starting to see some small changes in the right direction.

We've also decided to start trying for our second child after all. I'm so afraid that this is the wrong thing to do, and even more afraid that if it is, I'm not strong enough to stop us from doing it. Selfish. I'm so, so, so selfish :(

I'm 100% ready for another baby. I've got all the normal fears, that our first will be our favourite, that Oliver won't get along with them, or that he'd be better off an only child, or that we won't be able to give Oliver as much as we would if he were an only child. Despite all those fears, and a million more, I do think it's better for Oliver, and us, to have a second baby. I think the multitude of pros outweigh any potential cons. I just worry about the timing.

I tried to stop myself from getting hopeful once I found out Bo was depressed, and though I have brought it up a few times, just trying to decided if we should have a second; I didn't think now was the right time. I didn't want to add any more stress to Bo, I didn't want to make him feel overwhelmed. But then he said he didn't want to wait, that the drugs were there to make him better, and that he didn't want to put off having a second baby, and that we shouldn't put it off another month (I was worried about the birthday being too close to Oliver's), we should start trying this cycle.

Inside, I'm screaming with joy, I'm so happy and excited, but there's a little voice that I'm trying to mute that's telling me Bo may be lying to make me happy. That little voice makes me very scared of a day a few years down the road when Bo cracks and tells me he didn't want the baby. I pray to god that I'm just over-analyzing this :(

I don't know what to do, I only know what I want to do, but I don't want to hurt Bo in the process.